BY LINDA WALDRON
MELBOURNE — On August 25 Brunswick Town Hall confirmed its reputation as a long-time sanctuary for capitalism. Jeff Kennett's most prominent publicist, comedian Rod Quantock, refereed a brutal debate between two teams of corporate avatars on the question, "Should McDonald's run the World Bank?".
The affirmative team was led by Farewear coordinator Pamela McKerr, treacherously assisted by legal eagle Amanda McGeorge (Fitzroy Legal Partners) and academic Jamie McDoughney.
For the negative Dave Collis, from Dubiouslee 2000, led the evil twins Cam Walker from Foes of the Earth and Jackie Lynch, an ASIO agent from UAN (Undemocratic Asocialist Nonparty). Ronald McDonald appeared and, in a moment of clear financial suicide, passed around a petition against the opening of a McDonald's at the Royal Women's Hospital.
The evening started soberly enough. The corpulent, white, male suits in the audience dined on Middle Eastern delicacies prepared by DialaSlave ($2.50 an hour, plus GST).
The Rapid Response Team from Melbourne Workers Theatre performed the latest in New Age kid-luring techniques from the School for Trainee Ronalds (Eat my fries, Resistance!). Dole-bludging, dreadlocked, cigarette-scumming potheads were particularly intrigued by the 30 cent cone deal offered by your friendly neighbourhood Maccas.
The debate was a sorry spectacle, particularly once the Che Merlot and Sparkling Red Fidel began to kick in. The leader of the affirmative was revealed to be a substance abuser of lamingtons. Dr McDoughney from the same team took us on a nefarious journey through Marxist economic theory by sketching out the McDonald's Road to Socialism.
The audience was particularly receptive to Dave Collis' house mate (a genuine McDonald's slave labourer) who has not only won Best Griddle Employee of the Year but is in the running for Buns of the Year. The gilt-inlaid, cubic zirconia stickpin rewarded to this worthy slave labourer was exhibited (an appreciative murmur ran through the crowd at this point, and Stickpin Incentives jumped 20 cents on the NYSE).
Cam Walker set a refreshing agenda for New Age corporate tyranny by rejecting 1950s-style social-democratic, pseudo-egalitarian happy Mcfamilies, Save the Sick Children malarky. He called for world leaders at the World Bank to be proud of their avaricious evil and imitate those corporate young guns at the London Stock Exchange who blithely pissed on the protesters during May Day 2000.
Jackie Lynch offered the Famous Five as suitable embodiments of this New Age corporate rule, and argued her case by quoting Clint Eastwood and the Footy Show.
In the evening's climax, Lynch presented two seemingly innocuous potatoes: one as a culinary metaphor for the globe, the other for the World Bank. Under the leadership of McDonald's (so demonstrated Lynch), the globe is sliced into fries, whereas under Peoplepower the World Bank is smashed by a mighty hammer. (Yes, readers: Lynch proceeded to smash the potato-induced magnificence of our greatest Economic Institution for the Future of Free Exploitation.)
The audience broke into a (semi-)spontaneous rap rendition of "We will ... we will ... stop you", and, were it not for the fact that many had to dash home for the final of Survivor, the People's Blockade at Crown Casino might already have begun. Despite the wine-induced shenanigans, the audience proved itself to be good corporate citizens by raising $1500 in fully tax-deductible donations for Blue Right Weekly.