Hero of true believers everywhere
Following the return to political life of ARTHUR AUGUSTUS CALWELL, the election we are being treated to by the firm of Messrs Murdoch, Packer and Partners has taken a decidedly unusual turn.
Not one to stand on ceremony, the grand old man of the ALP parliamentary caucus has been seen shadowing Kim Beazley at every turn and photo opportunity throughout the length and breadth of this dry, brown land on which we all do dwell.
Hero of True Believers everywhere, Arthur Augustus Calwell MHR (retired) has been putting his current reincarnation to very good use indeed. "I'm still the man I used to be", the sprightly gent is often heard to say to anyone in ear-shot. "If I was any fitter, I'd be dangerous."
During this final week of the campaign I was able to catch up with the honorable deceased, who kindly granted me an audience despite his busy schedule.
Any audience with the distinguished parliamentarian is never a private affair. Always milling around are his many aides and actuaries, who he likes to refer to as his "pallbearers".
"I don't mind telling you", he said after the customary exchanges of greeting, "that I know I'm looked upon as a bit of a has-been. Calwell, they ask, who's he?
"Maybe I am an antique. Good lord, I've been dead and buried for many a long year. But you know, I've been exhumed for a very good reason.
"I'm not here to wrest back the leadership of the party. That's just spiteful rumour, no doubt put about by the Tories. Mine is a higher purpose. I'm here to remind people what the Labor Party stands for.
"There I was, minding my own business, making my own way through eternity, as is the way with we moribund types, when I got the nod that the party was drifting from its roots.
"Could I spare a mo'? It wasn't as if I was busy. Of course, I heeded the call. I know it well: now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of the party. And before you can say upsadaisy, I'm no longer horizontally disposed.
"That's the long and the short of it. But it's somewhat strange to visit like this only to discover that, after all, I wasn't really needed. Mind you, I'm grateful they thought of me. It's an honour to be exhumed for purposes other than forensic, but really they shouldn't have bothered. Those True Believers will believe anything you tell them.
"Trust me, I know. There's one born every minute."
By Dave Riley