By Dave Riley
Uncle Sam says: I want you. I want you in khaki. I want you in Haiti. I want you doing your bit for democracy. I want you at one end of a gun barrel. I want what I want — you better believe it — or bang bang you're dead.
Don't piss in my pool. Don't splash about — no running or jumping, no bombing, no horseplay — you coloureds just stay where you are.
By the pool does me fine. Just to sit on a deck chair and look out to sea enjoying the fruits of democracy.
Haiti was the first country in the Americas after the United States to free itself of colonial rule. Haiti abolished slavery 70 years before the US did because Haitian slaves led by Toussaint-Louverture rose up in 1791 and freed themselves. Haiti was formally recognised by the US only in 1862, after its southern slave states seceded. Haiti was occupied by US forces for 19 years from 1915.
Toussaint-Louverture says: To re-establish slavery in Haiti would be to attempt the impossible. We have known how to face dangers to obtain our liberty. We shall know how to brave death to maintain it. Before the god of liberty is profaned and sullied by liberticides, before they can snatch from my hands that sword, I renew my oath for the triumph of liberty and equality.
Toussaint-Louverture died a prisoner in the French Alps, and Haiti is one of the poorest countries on earth.
Uncle Sam says: Havana here we come.
After the Allende government was brutally overthrown in Chile in 1973 did the US occupy that country to restore democracy?
Uncle Sam says: It was too far from Havana.
After Kuwait, Panama and then Somalia recently, can any country expect to be free of a US visit?
I'll check the itinerary. Ask me again when we get to Havana.
But can democracy be imposed at gun point?
Our kind can. What other kinds are there?
Last time you backed an invasion of Castro's Cuba, you got whipped.
You mean the Bay of Pigs? Stuff that. We haven't kicked commie arse since 'Nam and we're spoiling for a rematch.
But you got done then.
Just water under the bridge.
So how long do you plan to stay in Haiti?
The military force will be out well before Christmas and be replaced by the Los Angeles Police Department, which will take its holidays there. LAPD cops will be like backpackers working their way around the Caribbean. That way we can revive tourism and deal with any riots at the same time.
Isn't that a policy change?
Definitely. We are giving up hardware for muscle. US policy in the region is now greatly influenced by Baywatch. We're doing away with military insignia and settling on high cut swimsuits instead. We have given up arms for broad chests, pointed nipples and a cute arse.
We call it the Lifesavers for Democracy plan. Just what Haiti needs. Once those Cubans see what capitalist America looks like in a swimsuit, they'll forgo the communist road to utopia because they will realise that in the Caribbean, life's a beach.
So stay where you are Havana — we're coming over.