The luck of the Irish
I see that the Troubles have broken out again in Northern Ireland. Protestant and Catholic are still at each other's throats. Why is that, do you think?
Oh, it's the Irish way. They're all a bunch of religious nutters.
Do you think that's it?
Certainly. It's the way they church them over there.
But over here we don't go around judging someone by their religion.
You haven't got any.
But if I had, it would be between me and the bloke upstairs. What does it matter to anyone else whose plate I put the coin of the realm in each Sunday?
It obviously matters in Belfast.
That's true and all.
So what gets into them?
Communion wine.(Takes a long pull on his glass)
Want another?
Why not. (Burps.) Pairdin.
You're a touch Irish aren't you?
As much as I'm anything else — three times removed on my mother's side. I still know all the words to "Galway Bay".(Sings) If you ever go across the sea to Ireland ...
You're Paddy all right.
Celtic down to my underpants with RC blood running through me like a pint a' Guinness. It's a wonder I'm not a Christian Brother. (But then I'd have to dump the missus and kids.) To find my roots I need look no further than in a bowl of spuds ... But it confuses me.
What?
What got into those who stayed?
Too much malt. Too little Christian charity.
Two distinct and highly divergent theological paradigms.
Papal bull.
(Much guzzling follows.)
You know what I think got into them? It's obvious — the English. The bloody poms are the ones who ruined Ireland. It stands to reason, it's like that Vietnam War thing.
No. They were communists.
So? In Northern Ireland it's not reds but Catholics, but it's the same business. Pull the Brits out and let the Irish sort it out among themselves. That bloke whose face we weren't supposed to see ...
... and whose voice we weren't supposed to hear?
Yeah, him.
Adams. Gerry Adams.
All he's asking is for the British army to high tail it out of there. Golly they've been there for something like 300 bloody years, hanging round like a bad smell. Can't they just give it a rest? What are they staying for — the practice?
Beats me.
Not you mate. Over there it's the Brits who are doing the beating.
Then I count my lucky stars I'm not Irish.
It would be a crime if you were.
Dave Riley