In order to represent the official view of what this dry brown land of ours is capable of, I have decided to present a symbolic picture, using whatever actors we have available in this section of the paper. The scenario is by a certain John Winston Howard, MHR.
All men on stage! Everybody down on one knee! Now bend down low and look battle-worn. A bit more tension there. A touch more gloom on your faces. That's it.
You there, you'll play the role of Dole Bludger. Now dance over to the others with an expression of furtive glee. Furtive glee, I said, furtive glee! Ah, that's better.
All available female personnel. Out on stage!
You — yes you! — you're Miss Homelife. Sorry, Mrs Homelife. You seem demure enough for the role. And you're Miss Equality, because it's all the same to me whoever plays the part. And you're Miss Australia, so look stalwart and generous. Stalwart and generous, I said!
Get ready now. Let's go.
All you men there, break from your imaginary toil and rise upward toward an imaginary sun. Mrs Homelife, Miss Equality and Miss Australia, minister to them. Put some love in it! They're your little darlings, for crissake!
Men, pretend "you have nothing" and imagine "you can make it". Climb over each other, symbolising the effects of a free market economy. Excellent! Now build a pyramid with your competing bodies. How about a little teamwork there! That's better. Dole Bludger, lay down flat so you can break their fall.
You on top, take an imaginary flag in your hand and wave it to the tempo of a free country, conveying the joy of being a victorious Aussie battler. Orchestra, come in with the national anthem. Great.
All women out on stage. Hang imaginary garlands around the necks of everyone — for trying. That's to symbolise the blooming of happiness that only comes with effort.
Wonderful! That's what I call real art. It has everything. All it needs is a character representing good government.
Gee. I suppose that's me!
By Dave Riley