Life of Riley: The Wicked Wik of the North

Life of Riley: The Wicked Wik of the North

@column intro = [Scene: Somewhere in the Australian outback around midday on a hot summer day. Flies are buzzing. Enter TWO SHEEP.]

FIRST SHEEP: What a scorcher! What we poor buggas have to do to earn our keep. I've been at it since sun up. All we do all day is feed our faces — have you ever noticed that? No matter what the weather, we're here with our heads down and bums up. There must be more to life than this. It can't be natural. I mean, there's millions of us doing the same thing day in, day out.

SECOND SHEEP: We come from a long line of ruminators. We were born to graze. That's our nature. Grazing has got us where we are today.

FIRST SHEEP: And where may that be? Trimmed of our wool, all we're good for is a Sunday roast. I shudder to think of it. Why must our existence be so empty?

@column intro = [COW enters.]

COW: Psst! Hey, you two. Have you heard the news? This land is no longer ours to do with as we please.

SECOND SHEEP: You mean I won't be able to poop and eat where I like?

COW: 'Fraid so.

FIRST SHEEP: Who says so?

COW: The Wicked Wik of the North.

FIRST SHEEP: The Wicked Wik!

COW: You heard me — the Wicked Wik have cast an evil spell over the Wonderful Land of Oz, a land that until last month was ours. For generations we have stocked this land with our progeny and could go wherever we pleased, eating our way from coast to coast. But now that great adventure is over and our live-stocking livelihood has been called to account.

FIRST SHEEP (screaming): I knew it! We're doomed just when I was beginning to discover myself.

SECOND SHEEP: Get a hold of eweself. Take it on your chin like a sheep.

FIRST SHEEP: But I had such plans (sobs). I was going to be someone, make something out of my life. I wanted to be known for more than my forequarter.

COW: I know just how you feel. Even with my two stomachs I find it bitter medicine to digest.

FIRST SHEEP: Will anyone take pity on us poor sheep?

And take pity they did. A call went out to the Emerald City and all creatures great and small were given sanctuary. The domesticated foul were protected. So too were the pigs and the cattle. The sheep were told not to fear. Every creature that served humankind with their flesh or fibre was granted honorary citizenship. Pigs learnt to speak (for it was only in the Wonderful Land of Oz that such a thing could happen). Cows became boot-makers and bakers of excellent pies. The sheep — since there were so many of them — formed their own parliamentary party which now holds the balance of power in the Lower House. And the Wicked Wik, you'll be pleased to know, were punished for their crimes by the RSPCA.