Based on highly reliably international contacts, leaked documents and horoscopes from several TV magazines, Nostradamus' Media Watch presents a highly accurate forecast of political events across the globe.
The World According to Gareth
Gareth Evans, expanding upon his recent thesis that Australia should see itself as being located in East Asia, releases a new school atlas.
The atlas, titled The World According to Gareth, redraws the nations of the globe on a new scale to be known as the Gareth Projection. On it, Australia is repositioned further from New Zealand, but much closer to both the USA and East Asia.
However, while being now closer to India and Pakistan, Australia is actually further from Bangladesh, Burma and Laos.
Also, according to the new scale, England is further away, but Germany has moved closer.
Most African countries don't even appear.
Prince Charles criticises Australian English
Prince Charles is back in the news — but not for any sex scandal. This time he makes headlines by calling for a stop to the "vulgarisation" of the English language.
Having previously criticised American English as "corrupting", he now widens his aim to include Australian English.
"Pawsitively ghaastly accent", he says in an interview on the BBC. "All those dreadful Sylvania Heights people."
Over the following weeks he criticises Canadian, New Zealand and African variations of English.
Denying that he is acting purely to ensure English's share of the global English language teaching market, he says, "We must act now to ensure that the only English spoken is English-English".
He then calls on the House of Lords to ban Scottish, Welsh and Irish accents in England, with on the spot fines for anything but the most proper "Windsor" English.
He says, "If people cawn't speak like us, they shouldn't expect to live hereh, what?"
Desperately seeking sects
The Japanese government continues raids on the various headquarters of the Aum Supreme Truth sect, uncovering more evidence of crimes.
The military claims to have discovered evidence linking the sect with the Kobe earthquake and the collapse of the Barings Bank.
It also says that the sect has a long list of secret overseas anti-Japanese operations, including Don Quayle and Bruce Ruxton.