By Lucifer Skycrawler
While you have been planning this or wishing for that, the stars have been organising your life — and do you think they give a stuff about what you want? To find out what location in the Celestial Sump has been reserved for you this week, look up your star sign and read. Go ahead: the stars have already determined that you will.
POTATOBLIGHT (Early spring, in damp environments). Global warming this week could lead to increased rainfall and hence the thriving of Potatoblights. On the other hand, Damp Rising could undermine the solidest foundations. Your best bet is to stay at home — preferably someone else's.
PLACIDODOMINGO (Most of the time). While you've been away, the mice have been at play. Try to entice them out of the kitchen with stories about your travels. Better yet, drive them out with stories about your travels. Resist the temptation to embroider your stories. Whatever you do, don't refer to you-know-who as a "scumbag".
LIBRIUM (The rest of the time). You've been through one of those bad patches where nobody notices you, and when they do, they laugh. Apparent improvements in your popularity are an illusion caused by the Pollster moving into conjunction with Media. If the neighbours invite you in to hear tales of their travels, decline politely.
CAULIFLOWER (Never, except in Queensland and NT). Your long-time relationship with a Librium has been feeling a bit stale lately. Try not to treat this as anyone's "fault"; it is merely a sign that you are both as boring as dishwater.
DRONGO (February 30-Ides of March). You're going to have big trouble this week, and it's all due to not reading and following the humongouscope I wrote for you last week. Some people just never learn; you're one of them.
CODSWALLOP (December 25, with a star in the East). Your miscalculation last week threatens to undermine your progress — sorry, I meant your reaction. Try to smooth things over with a dissident Librium; pray for him; lie to him if necessary. You know who I mean.
PECUNIAM (Any date, with a silver spoon). Your decision last week to branch out will bring you money. The contrary decision would also have brought you money. Everything brings you money. This will probably continue even when you're dead — which you may be already.
TURNIP (April 22-May 14, left side of the planet). Nothing good ever happens to Turnips, no matter how well they behave. If you are a forest, you're done for. If you're human and you have anything left — which isn't likely — save time by sending it now to the nearest Pecuniam.
Can the stars be influenced? Who knows until you've tried? Lucifer Skycrawler, out of the goodness of his heart, will undertake to bribe the zodiac on your behalf. Send as much as you have, and then some. Note: Celestial objects are not covered by the Independent Commission Against Corruption Act.