In the stars
By Lucifer Skycrawler
What's in the stars? Hydrogen, mostly. Helium too, especially in the older ones. Traces of heavier elements. Oh yes: heat, lots of it.
So it's certainly not surprising that the stars can determine what happens to us. The closest one, for example, is quite important for things like crop growth, photochemical smog and melanomas. So check your star sign, and if you don't like what the stars have planned for you, trade your sign with a neighbour.
TANTRUM (Monday-Friday, 9-5). The Sun is in conjunction with Venus, but you can't see it through the smog. The Ram is considering whether to cross into Mercury, and Mars has swallowed Observer. Sounds like a week for keeping your head down, I'd say.
KARAOKE (April 17 - May 29, east side of the hill). Karaokes are easygoing sorts of people, except when they're uptight. This would probably be a good week for avoiding tensions by skipping work and going to the beach. Try not to pick a beach within 300 km of a large city.
VEGEMITE (March 17 - Date to be announced). Vegemites would be well advised not to become too attached to material luxuries: cars, housing, food, clothing, etc. In the near future, someone will offer you nothing for something, particularly if you're already unemployed. Take it.
PLACIDODOMINGO (Most of the time). Albatross Descending coincides with Pig Flying. This is a good time for making firm decisions and not sticking to them. Work on improving your negotiating skills. If all else fails, try bribery.
LIBRIUM (The rest of the time). Increasing popularity can be expected to continue, provided you don't let it go to your head and make yourself visible. Remember what happened the last time you stopped hiding your light weight under a bushel.
CAPSICUM (January and February, during full moons). This is a likely week, or possibly year, for fungal infections. Sometimes the stars just hate you, no matter how well behaved you are. If your birthday occurs this week: you are reading the wrong star sign.
DEMENTIA (Saturday to Wednesday, AEST). Finance looks good this week for those of you Dementias who have a few tens of millions invested in mining companies. But then, it always does, doesn't it?
GREMLIN (August, odd-numbered leap years). Try to avoid situations where you might be assaulted and bashed by berserk cops. Relocating to the Simpson Desert seems a good idea.
LUMBAGO (Not tonight Josephine). The movement of Saturn into the House of Neptune, with Gorge Rising, indicates overcrowding if nothing else. Do not expect solutions from Home Fund. However, the week holds some stunning surprises, which cannot be revealed because they would then cease to be surprising.
Your personal Humongouscope: To obtain your personal Humongouscope prepared with the aid of the most advanced computer aided XT calculations, send your birth date and a stamped, self-addressed envelope to Lucifer Skycrawler. Be sure to include $5000 (cash only) for postage and handling.