By Kevin Healey
Well reader, I guess it's difficult to be bright this week, knowing the country is trying to struggle on without the weight of Peter No-Longer-Staple in the ministry. Apart from the personal tragedy, it's a wonder the country hasn't just ground to a halt.
But on the bright side, here we have an exclusive interview I recorded this week with the re-elected opposition leader, Johnny Hew-them.
Mr Hew-them, how do you intend to pursue the GST?
"The ... what?"
The GST, Mr Hew-them, the linchpin of Fightback.
"Of ... of ... fight ... fight ... fightwhat?!"
The GST — Fightback — your election policies.
"Oh the election policies. Why didn't you explain that? Oh ... hahahahaha ... those silly ideas. No, no. We'll discuss them of course ... we'll analyse what went wrong. But policies — no, no, we're finished with policies. We've learned our lesson."
Well, what will you propose on taxes?
"Uh ... what do the people want?"
Right. What about a tough industrial relations policy? I presume you'll pursue your attempt to crush the unions.
"Indus ... oh, that silly old policy. No, no. Look, you're being very aggressive. You're lucky I'm an even-tempered, mild-mannered man of the people. Some of my very best friends are unionists. Brucy Goatherd who heads the doctors' union, for example. He's a very close friend. In fact, his union supported our policies 100%. So don't give me that anti-union stuff. Although let me say, we don't support irresponsible unionists ... well, let me qualify that. Unless ... uh ... the electorate supports them. Then of course I support them."
What about women? Are you going to soften your anti-feminist position?
"Is that what women want? If that's what they want, of course I support that.'
And youth? Youth turned against you.
"Look, I was a youth myself once. I have a real empathy with youth. Whatever they want — I promise they can have it."
Yes, but you haven't really explained your position on the GST.
"I can't hear you."
I'll cut it there, because the rest wasn't nearly as analytical. On the socialist side, the new government paid its first instalment to the workers who were told they would all be saved by voting socialist by providing the anti-socialist Victorian government with lots more money to sack lots more workers.
"That way it will be more efficient for all of us", the world's greatest worst ex-treasurer Paul told his nation. "We promised to make unemployment a priority, and by Jesus we're gonna make it a priority. This should create lots of them."
Back where the workers were being sacked, the public transport head, Alan Chauffeur-Driven-Rider, boosted the public transport profile by ordering all trams off the roads.
"They serve no purpose other than to hold up all that traffic, which needs as much road space as it can get. That's why I support building all these new freeways and tunnels to assist public transport."
Chauffeur-Driven-Rider said public transport lay at the root of our urban planning problems. "If we got rid of it altogether, it would ease congestion — and those without cars would soon learn the value of a quid. And these stirrers who claim they have disabilities — well, if you've already got a disability, what difference is one more handicap gonna make?"