By Kevin Healy
A week when, every time you turned on a news or current affairs program, there were the world's greatest worst ex-treasurer Paul and Johnny Hew-them looking very serious and telling us how much they care for us.
Paul said he particularly cared about women. "Why do you care about women so much?", asked yet another probing and knowledgeable and very intense journalist. "Because a lot of them vote", said Paul. "Johnny Hew-them doesn't care about women."
"Well, what do you offer women that you think is particularly important", the probing journalist continued. "Anything that will make them vote for me and keep my bum on the prime ministerial seat", said Paul. "Johnny Hew-them doesn't care about women."
"Of course I care about women", Johnny Hew-them responded. "Why?", the journalist asked. "Because a lot of them vote", said Johnny.
However, Johnny said he was also concerned about unemployment. "Those figures are disgusting", he said, "so disgusting that they should put my bum on his seat".
"I suppose it's the human, personal tragedy that concerns you", probed the journalist. "Yes, yes", Johnny said thoughtfully. "It's the human, personal tragedy. I'm a human person, and it would be tragic if I did not get my bum on his seat."
Paul said he too cared about the unemployed. "The bastards could cost me my job", he pointed out. "Don't they care about my job?"
However, Paul made it clear the figures weren't nearly as serious as they looked on paper. Seasonally adjusted, thrust through a shredder or two, twisted and contorted a few times and with a red hot poker jammed up them, they actually looked particularly appealing.
But of course Paul can take heart from his party's long-time and determined policy, going back to when it won government 10 years ago. "We will make unemployment a priority", our former great and beloved prime minister Nuclear Hawke himself said at the time. And 10 years later, they've certainly succeeded: we can all be grateful to Paul and the team for making unemployment such a major priority.