By Kevin Healy
A week when the re-elected socialist government celebrated with a magnificent display of administrative competence, led by the Minister for Lord Kerry and Lord Rupert, Senator Bib Uranium-doesn't-killins.
And despite a few minor problems in the bidding process, it's clear that pay TV is going to be very, very good for all of us. Instead of watching the dreadful array of sitcoms and soapies currently flooding our screens, we'll be able to watch — on free to air television, that is — the equivalent of 24 hours of test pattern.
Senator Uranium-doesn't-killins kindly agreed to be interviewed: Senator, I take it that the whole True Blue Aussie With the Big Red Heart community has been consulted?
"Well, it would be impossible to survey the total True Blue Aussie population, Kevin, but yes, we've asked as many people as we reel are able to make a relevant and meaningful contribution to the debate."
So you've asked Lord Kerry and Lord Rupert and the Optus board?
"Is there anyone else who has any expertise in these matters and who will be even slightly affected?"
No, of course not, Senator. Though I might have thought the public who enjoy what's on their free to air telly, and those who don't mind watching a bit of sport on telly, might have been consulted a little bit.
"Are you a bloody commie or something? What do viewers know about these things? How many viewers have produced a program or financed a television station?"
Good point, Senator. But do you think people are going to enjoy watching a test pattern all day when they used to watch a footy match, or maybe even a serious political documentary?
"Look, you long-haired commie fool: if they want to watch a test pattern, that's their business. If they want to watch actual programs, then surely they have to pay for them. We live in a user-pays world, after all.
"You commie bastards don't understand the real world. We've consulted all the players who matter: Lord Kerry and Lord Rupert and Optus. I mean, how do you think we could convince Optus to leave the government with the $800 million Aussat debt if we didn't promise them exclusive satellite pay TV rights?"
But you haven't given the channels to Lord Kerry and Lord Rupert.
"Yeah, but that's because we're efficient, competent, hands-off operators. And on day one of pay TV, it'll all be back to business as usual. Don't you worry about that."