An open letter
By Brandon Astor Jones
Liberation is a dialectical movement ... women's liberation in the revolution is inseparable from the liberation of [men]. — Angela Davis.
Your letter arrived yesterday. Thank you. I am glad to know you are well. Per your questions, I grew up in what is called "the Mid West." I was born in Indiana Harbor, Indiana. I was raised in Chicago and Markham, Illinois. All three of those cities are less than 30 miles apart, situated like the points on a triangle in two states, with Chicago being the high point. No, I rarely see anyone outside of the prison. However, I do hope to see members of my family this a year.
I hope that in time you will be able to communicate with your children's father without "anger" rising up between the two of you. As you know, children can sense that anger even when they are not present when it develops. I fear we do not give children enough credit for their sensibilities.
You made some very interesting comments about your "new man". When we care a great deal for a person we tend to overlook or accept their flaws. We are all flawed in one way or another. Surely Hitler's mother must have thought her son was a wonderful man, so she overlooked his multiplicity of flaws, even though they were right before her eyes!
I have used Hitler as an exaggerated example so that I can remind you of some of the things you said in your letter, to wit, "I think what I like the most about him is that he is sincere". Then, a little later you said, "He likes to hunt." Have you asked yourself how "sincere" can a man be who "likes to hunt" and kill defenceless animals just for the so-called "sport" of it? You even went on to call him "gentle". I wonder if those animals would agree with you.
You then went on to say, "He is a good listener but maybe too good, as he doesn't open up himself and I'm eager to hear his thoughts and feelings. I must admit I push the issue but only so [that] we can get close. I understand that he was badly hurt in his previous relationship." It is of course good that you recognise how he has been hurt in the past. That is a credit to your humanity, but all the while your life is moving right along too.
If you have a need to hear his thoughts and know his feelings, he should share them with you. Certainly those are necessary things that help fulfil you both as a person and mate. Just because you are keenly sensitive to his having been hurt in a previous relationship does not mean that, for cause, you should enter into a state of perpetual deprivation.
I know I do not have to remind you that you have been hurt in a previous relationship too, but unlike your "new man", you are not concealing yourself from him. I think what you are doing is unconsciously engaging in what most people would call a kind of "self erosion." It could be that you are becoming an extension of him, as you incrementally cast yourself aside.
You concluded by saying of yourself in regard to him, "I need to build his trust first." I would like to think that trust building would be a reciprocal endeavour. From what you are telling me, it has been decidedly one-sided.
Having said all of this, I hope you know that I am not trying to make an ogre of your "new man", on the contrary. But I am trying to urge you to see yourself in relation to him more clearly and as a consequence stimulate emotional growth that will serve both of you well.
The difference between being able to articulate one's "true self" and withholding it is very often being asked to do so by someone you care a great deal for. You owe it to him, and to yourself, to let your feelings be known in an honest and forthright manner, thus setting the interactive stage for him to be more inclined to open up. I hope you will ask him outright to be more forthcoming; and let him know in no uncertain terms that you need him to do that.
If you get a little angry at my candour, I will not mind if you say as much. I suspect our friendship will survive your anger. Not only that, I think you could use a little exercise in the anger-department. So go ahead, practice on me. After all, what are friends for?
[The writer is a prisoner on death row in the United States. He is happy to receive letters commenting on his columns. He can be written to at: Brandon Astor Jones, EF-122216, G2-51, GD&CC, PO Box 3877, Jackson, GA 30233, USA.]