Bump me into parliament
Dave Riley
How do you reckon I'd go as prime minister? It's a thought, isn't it? Instead of the glint from John Howard's glasses, the light at the end of the tunnel could be me.
Of course, I'd keep doing these columns and tell you all about life in the Lodge, and I'd be ever so open in my governance.
So what are my chances? Bump me into parliament, and I'll do the rest. Basically I am a nice enough guy and could make a world of difference. (Not once have I nor would I ever call anyone "scumbag".)
The first time I stood for elected office, my campaign slogan was simple and to the point: Be not a knave, vote for Dave. Catchy, don't you think? But nowadays you need more oomph to get a campaign rolling.
I did actually stand for parliament once, back in 1989. It is an activity I wholeheartedly recommend. Suddenly everyone wants to know your opinions. You get your name printed in the paper (only your name unfortunately, not your policies). You are invited to meet the people. And, in front of an audience of electors, you say what you think.
Mind you, I don't care that much for the letterboxing and fundraising you need to do. But when it's all over, you know you have done your bit to spread the word — Dave's word.
My problem is that I didn't do all that well at the ballot box, so I think I am still a long way from being prime minister. I also fear that parliamentary office is not all that it's cracked up to be. I've worked for a few MPs in my time, especially on polling day, and after the free drinks and the compulsory telly watching, they don't want to know you. "See you again sometime", is what they say. "I'll be calling on your services again in three years."
In the meantime, he's off to Canberra — thank you very much — and for me nothing changes. My consolation is that I helped elect so-and-so. While this may note my historical role in the finest of fine print, all I can feel thereafter is guilt as the exercise in democracy turns sour. (As it does every time.)
So nowadays I invest my energies between elections. I think such activity is calories well spent. When I get to be prime minister — which I surely will — it won't be because of what I did inside parliament but outside of it. That's the credits I'm after. I don't want to be the type of PM who turns it on only when he has to. Really, parliament only survives by making desperate pitches such as that. As an institution of democracy, it's a bit of a lame duck.
No, I'll be a PM to be proud of. Forget the swanky suits and the vitriol, Dave Riley is no smart arse.
Maybe you are thinking I'm a smidgen too ambitious. But I am confident that we can do it — with or without me if it comes down to it and I die on the hustings. Joe and Mary Blows like me will be running the country one day (and every other day) and we'll be doing it for one reason and for one reason only: we dared to.
So I double dare you to join our bid for the top job.