No, we haven't got any, but we thought that would get your attention. But don't go away: we do hope to have some jobs for you soon.
We can see the way things are going, especially after the budget. It is clear that the government is planning a privatised-employment-service-led recovery, and we have decided to do our part by opening the first private employment agency ever operated by an alternative newspaper.
We thought it would be a good idea to specialise in the jobs we find for the unemployed. After much consideration, it became obvious that one of the few jobs worth having these days — one of the few jobs in which you won't have to sign a private contract — is being a member of parliament.
So Green Left Weekly's employment service will aim to find the unemployed jobs as members of parliament. Of course, not everyone is qualified: anyone can find themselves in the position of not being allowed to do useful work, but it takes a special talent to get paid for that and look pious while doing it.
Therefore, we have devised the following short multiple-choice quiz — a screening test if not a screen test — to separate the parliamentary qualified from the parliamentary non-qualified. Just tick the answers you think are correct and send the quiz in, along with your name, address and enough money to tide us over until we receive the government-paid "success fee" for placing you in a job as the member or senator for the electorate of your choice.
Screening test
1. A "core promise" is:
a) a promise to rich people
b) a promise that hasn't been broken yet
c) a promise that wins elections
d) only the PM's speech writer knows for sure
2. Budget superannuation changes mean an additional tax for all people earning over $70,000 except:
a) the dead
b) wealthy people, who will now shift to a different tax dodge
c) members of parliament
d) all of the above
3. The additional revenue raised by the above superannuation measure will be:
a) nothing
b) at least twice as much as that
c) many times more than that
4. Which of the following matters of principle justify resigning from the party under whose banner you were elected?
a) the party doesn't appreciate you
b) election to a more prestigious position
c) election to a position carrying an extra $16,000 in salary
d) your name has been in the newspapers only three times in 21 years
e) any of the above
5. The leader of the opposition is:
a) Cheryl Kernot
b) dead
c) an editorial in Green Left Weekly*
d) Tim Fischer
6. Which of the following statements about black holes are true?
a) they cannot be filled
b) the more things you throw into them, the bigger they get
c) nothing can escape from them except core promises
d) only the PM's speech writer knows for sure
7. If the government presents a dishonest budget, the proper response of the opposition is:
a) "Tssk, tssk"
b) "Tssk, tssk, tssk"
c) passing the appropriation bills reluctantly
d) passing the appropriation bills very reluctantly
8. If there are such exceptional circumstances that a government's almost-core promises have to be severely bent, the best people to throw into the black hole are:
a) the old, because they might die before the next election
b) the young, because they might emigrate before the next election
c) students, because educated unemployed write sharper anti-government graffiti
d) only the PM knows for sure
* This is such a silly pun that if you chose this answer, your are automatically disqualified from further consideration for any job at all, ever.