Devilishly clever
By Brandon Astor Jones
"Sarcasm ... [is] in general, the language of the Devil ... I have long since denounced it." — Thomas Carlyle
Carlyle's words seem appropriate her. While we all have our own opinion about what is, or is not, devilish behaviour, I thought a look into my dictionary would be good before writing. The words that stood our most there were "wicked, clever and mischievous".
I have met a lot of devils in my time, and I can tell your from personal experience they are not always clever. Pauline Hanson and Newt Gingrich are proof of that fact. However, one prerequisite for any devil worth his/her weight in evil is mischievousness. Hey, a devil has got to be mischievous to stay on as a member in good standing in the International Devils' Union. Right?
Have you ever noticed that a devil often uses the attention the rest of us give to the trivial pursuit of knowledge as a tool to promote his or her interest? I was given a computer print-out recently. I found it both ironic and interesting (that is, if all of what I read is true).
On the other hand, I find its last two sentences both sarcastic and offensive. The person who wrote it certainly is clever and mischievous. Before I share that reading with you, let me say that it is my opinion that there are some areas of any dead person's life that are unfit for sarcasm, no matter how clever.
"Subject: Lincoln Vs Kennedy
"Here's a little part of US history which makes you sit up and go h-m-m-m-m-m:
"Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
"John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
"Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
"John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
"The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
"Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
"Both wives list children while living in the White House.
"Both presidents were shot on a Friday.
"Both presidents were shot in the head.
"Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
"Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
"Both were assassinated by southerners.
"Both successors were named Johnson.
"Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
"Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1908.
"John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
"Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
"Both assassins were known by their three names.
"Both names are composed of 15 letters.
"Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Kennedy'.
"Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln'.
"Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
"Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.
"Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
"And here's the kicker:
"A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
"A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe."
[The writer is a prisoner on death row in the United States. He welcomes letters commenting on his columns (include your name and full return address on the envelope, or prison authorities may refuse to deliver it). He can be written to at: Brandon Astor Jones, EF-122216, G3-77, Georgia Diagnostic & Classification Prison, PO Box 3877, Jackson, GA 30233, USA.]