...Looking out: Good advice
By Brandon Astor Jones
"Friendship is a ... commerce between equals; love, an abject intercourse between tyrants and slaves." — Oliver Goldsmith
The Irish author's words above say a lot to us all, but to some, hopefully, they will denote this being the first instalment in a series of essays on friendship. So it is all right for the reader to think of this as my Friendship 101 offering. While I am not an overflowing fountain of wisdom, neither am I a rank amateur. I have more than a few friend skills. Please consider this essay to be for those who are somewhat new to the sacred art of friendship. I promise to be candid and brief.
In a friendship there must be a mutually acceptable degree of power sharing. This applies in any type of friendship, be the friend mother, father, sister, brother, lover or whoever.
While the two parties must indeed see one another as equals, as Goldsmith's words above suggest, both do not necessarily have to have power in equal measure. However, there must be an easily recognisable equity in their power sharing. If there is no interactive equity, what you will have is a tyrant and a slave. There can be no real love for a tyrant or a slave, only fear and pity respectively. If your friend is powerless in an area in which you are powerful, give her or him some of your power — such a sharing is where and when real commerce between equals begins.
From time to time the situation will arise in which you will need to do something for your friend when (s)he is not looking (as in behind her or his back). Your intentions will be nothing less than good, of course, but be sure that your good intentions and deeds — when (s)he finds out about your "good deeds" — leave her or his personal dignity intact. Be sure that your deeds do not break your friend; a broken friend is much like a broken mirror, in that you cannot see yourself in either.
I will close with the first century words of Publilius Syrus: "Treat your friend as if [s]he might become an enemy". I think that is very good advice.
[The writer is a prisoner on death row in the United States. He welcomes letters commenting on his columns (include your name and full return address on the envelope, or prison authorities may refuse to deliver it). He can be written to at: Brandon Astor Jones, EF-122216, G3-63, Georgia Diagnostic & Classification Prison, PO Box 3877, Jackson, GA 30233, USA.]