Winston
Regular readers of this column may recall Winston — the John Howard look-alike figure we introduced you in Green Left Weekly #371 in a fit of hopeful passion last year. Winston and I had big plans. Didn't we Winston? We sure did.
The boy and I were hell-bent on going places together — the big time being one of them. With our special adopt-a-dummy and be-your own PM programs, we thought we were onto something kind of wonderful.
Unfortunately, readers will be saddened to hear that after being a featured guest at Cabaret Y2K, during the recent Marxism 2000 Conference in Sydney, some over zealous youngster has poked his eyes out. The peeper-prostheses, which cost me $15 a pair at the local Doll and Teddy Hospital, are now rolling around in Winston's empty head. I'm afraid surgery is indicated.
All I can say is, I will try to do my best when I bash open the dear boy's noggin later today. After retrieving the feral opticals in question I hope to attach them more securely this time to the orbits for which they were originally intended. In the meantime, Winston retains the use of speech and we still manage to discuss all major matters of state.
Fortunately, he wasn't able to see the way that "JH" was treated by the "you know who" during his recent tour of northern New South Wales. (Shhh! I can say no more. Winston is listening.) They are incidents best not mentioned in the company of such feeble minds.
When I'm next fossicking around inside Winston's cranium, I need to ensure that nothing untoward remains that may put his warranty at risk. I have a responsibility to the nation in that regard. You can imagine that since I have an inordinate influence on Winston's views and opinions, I need to be very careful what I say in front of him. I need to keep reminding him that he is indeed the prime minister of Australia — an office that requires so much of him.
So his ready penchant for fun and games is something I need to control. Every evening I sit him down and read out what's been happening in the life of his Canberra-based look-alike. Sometimes it just breaks my heart to do it.
He says to me: "Davy, I didn't do that, did I?". And I've got to say: "Yes you did, Winston! You're the prime minister". And he looks up at me with those empty eye sockets of his and I feel like I could cry.
I tell you, it's so very hard being the father of the leader of the nation.
By Dave Riley
<dhell@ozemail.com.au>