Dear Subscriber: Welcome to REITHCard, an exciting new development in telecommunications, which we are proud to pioneer in co-operation with our venture partners who have joined us in the vanguard of community service throughout the world.
REITHCard (Responsibility Excused In The House) is an unprecedented offer guaranteed to keep you in touch with loved ones, friends and business colleagues at any time NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE.
But the best feature of REITHCard is the ENORMOUS SAVINGS it offers subscribers.
So, be sure to take out your REITHCard opportunity NOW!
Here's how it works: With your enclosed REITHCard we have allotted you a special four-digit PTPT (Pity The Poor Taxpayer) number. By dialling this PTPT number as a prefix to any number you wish to dial throughout the world, you can talk as long and as often as you like and the cost of the call goes on to a special CFPM (Contempt For Public Money) account.
And this is how you save. Say, for instance, you have called a few mates and asked them, just for a lark, to pick up their axe-handles, put on balaclavas and take their rottweilers down to the local docks for a late-night walk.
Or say you are in trouble and you have to call on the Minister for Schadenfreude, Mr Peter Smugmug, to help dig you out of it with a ringing declaration of sincere support in Parliament.
Or perhaps, as a public-spirited citizen, you have telephoned a number of anonymous reports to CentreFink to finger your neighbours as dole bludgers who are rorting the Commonwealth with false claims.
We make it easy. You just put all these calls on your REITHCard and simply forget about them. And when the time comes to pay the bill, the good old taxpayer pays it for you.
But better than that, you can pass your PTPT number to your family or even your friends with the balaclavas and axe-handles and they, too, can make calls and have them billed to your CFPM account. You just pay 2% of the bill. The rest? Just forget it.
This offer is limited and conditions apply. Only those whose lives are governed by the Prime Minister's parliamentary code of practice and the unexpurgated scripts of Monty Python's Flying Circus will be considered.
Those who apply within 10 days will also receive, AT NO EXTRA COST, a copy of one of the following current best-sellers: Honest, Guv, I Can't Remember: a backbencher's memoirs; Don't Blame Me, Dad Just Can't Help It by Sophie Gosper and Altruism in Public Service by Mal Colston. Demand is expected to be high.
So fill in the attached form, which exonerates you from all blame for everything for all time, and send it to: Locked Up Bag, Soyou Shouldbe, Bill Conman, Canberra.