Finally, we have a reason to get excited about elections. Yes, billionaire mining magnate Clive Palmer has formed a political party and is determined to become Australia’s next prime minister.
For the first time in god knows how long, we have a real alternative to the tweedledum-tweedledee politics of the big parties. Palmer's bid for PM poses a crucial question: why shouldn’t those who own this country, run it too?
After all, Palmer's business success is not just down to his good looks. Clive Palmer is walking, talking evidence that capitalism rewards the most talented among us. He has the brains, the vision and the boldness this country is crying out for.
Let's look at the big-ticket national-building job-creating infrastructure that would move this great nation forward. Forget the broadband network or fast rail proposals. Clive Palmer knows just what this nation needs: a theme park on the Gold Coast with giant robotic dinosaurs.
Now, this is the billboard I want to see: forget “illegal boats”, since Labor has come to power how many dinosaurs — of any size — has Labor built? Let's not even ask whether they are robotic, the point is, can Labor point to even one?
Clive's park has already got a giant T-Rex called Jeff and he hasn't even been elected yet. Make Clive PM, we’ll have giant dinosaurs on every street corner. It will be awesome!
It is all the more impressive when you consider the alternative way to spend our tax dollars put forward by Labor and Liberal. Labor offers us Gonski — spending a bit more on schools, but slashing university funding to pay for it. A classic case of robbing Peter to pay Paul.
The Coalition, on the other hand, have a completely counterposed proposal, which is basically to rob Peter, rob Paul, stab their grandmothers, kidnap their kids and hold them to ransom, and burn down all education institutions while Tony Abbott gets photographed at a beach in a pair of Speedos shouting: “TURN BACK THE BOATS!”
And not a dinosaur in sight.
But Palmer’s vision is not limited to Australia. He is a true internationalist, a man who has looked around the world and seen hunger and misery and environmental degradation and said: “I am a billionaire, what can I do?” And concluded: “I know, I'll rebuild the Titanic!”
Some petty critics have responded to this proposal by saying: “That's pretty weird, Clive. You want to rebuild a ship that sank 100 years ago, killing more than 1500 people in one of the worst maritime disasters in history. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Well, this is why Clive Palmer is a billionaire and these losers are not. It was an iceberg that sunk the supposedly unsinkable Titanic. Palmer is the only one with the foresight to realise that once global warming melts all the ice, he's got himself an unsinkable ship.
And with rising sea levels, islands will go under and coastal cities could be lost. Millions of people will need a safe place to go. And there he'll be, Captain Clive and his unsinkable Titanic, like Noah and his ark.
Not that he'll be taking on two of every animal. He’s not some bearded hippy like Noah. Paying customers only. You don't become a billionaire by running a charity.
That is the genius of the man, he's figured out a way to make money even in the midst of the climate change catastrophe, which his present way of making money has helped bring on.
This is the kind of inspired leadership this country needs — nothing stands in Palmer's way: not taxes, climate science or dictionaries. Compare that with the current crop of politicians and you'll agree with me: September 14 cannot come quick enough.