By Kevin Healy
Interrupting our normal column, we cross to the cricket, where John Carin-for-them is completing his first over.
"Thank you, Kevin. Carin-for-them comes in and bowls to Rough, and it's a very, very slow ball. In fact, Rough has been forced to step three-quarters of the way down the pitch to pound it back for four. That completes the over, and the Opposition is 0/186. The Government needs a breakthrough soon, Norm."
"My word it does, Peter. The captaincy — and we've been saying this through the first few overs — the captaincy and the attack have me baffled. The Opposition batting technique leaves a lot to be desired, and there are some obvious flaws which the bowlers should be exploiting, but they just don't seem to be able to get the ball on any sort of length.
"Although we should see some fireworks here, Peter. Captain Nuclear Hawke is introducing his vice-captain, Brian Hoo, into the attack. Just this morning, Hoo promised he would finish with some incredible figures. He's predicting a double century when the Government goes into bat, and a bag of wickets with few runs off his fiery and accurate deliveries."
"Thanks, Norm. Now Hoo bowls to the Opposition captain, Hew-them. Oh, it's very short, and Hew-them plays a dreadful stroke, but it's flown back over Hoo's head — it's six. And umpire Lord Rupert of Wopping has signalled a no ball. We'll just get a quick score from the Shield games and return to this match."
"Thank you, Peter. In the Victoria-New South Wales game, a number of national aspirants have attacked the national team for its inability to break through the Opposition defences. Victoria's David Whitewash says the federal captain is flyblown. His team-mate Jimmy Con-them says the national team needs to give plenty of free no balls to the Industry team to ensure a fair result.
"Here's NSW skipper Sinecure saying that if he were bowling for the national team, he'd be aiming at the stumps if only he could afford a ball to bowl at them. The score at lunch over here is NSW 0/0 and Victoria 0/0. Now it's back to the test."
"Thanks, Neville. Vice-captain Brian Hoo is trying to complete a sensational first over. A very ordinary Opposition batting has scored 108 runs so far, and Hoo hasn't yet bowled a legitimate ball. He's up to 18 no balls, and they've scored six a ball. This is sensational stuff."
"It certainly is, Peter. Really, we need to look at the laws in these situations — there has to be a way of getting Hoo off or this could go on all day. Nuclear Hawke clearly wants to get the exciting Ralph on at the other end to replace Carin-for-them, but can't get rid of Hoo. I see they're taking drinks now, despite the fact that he's still trying to complete his first ball."
"It's been an interesting session, Neville. But it can't have been very good for Government morale to have the world's greatest worst in the out-out-outfield and falling about laughing every time the Opposition hits Hoo for six."