By Kevin Healy
The Solidarity and Good Luck Comrades Award this week was won by about 10 lengths by the NSW Laboring Party for its campaign theme, "Don't let Nicky Grinner-you-bear-it do to us what Johnny Pain did to Victoria".
But those NSW traitors can't boast international interest in their economic order, while Joanny Learner and the Vics are being rushed for advice. Just this week they've agreed to give Bore-us Yoursin a bit of free economic know-how.
Bore-us reckons the Soviet Union — well, Russia at least — needs a stock exchange and market forces and initiative and all the great benefits of the Western economic order like unemployment, poverty, homelessness: all the benefits in which Victoria is setting such a fine example.
And just to show an example of financial responsibility, the Vic government announced this week it would make some very special spending cuts this side of the major spending cuts in the next budget. "Look, if the state's broke, people can't expect us to provide all these services. That was OK when we had money", Snappy Tom — the treasurer you have when the real treasurer's in the upper house — explained to an understanding electorate. "We understand you'll be treasurer until we get the first opportunity to make sure you're not treasurer", it explained back.
Public transport costs may be eased as the privatisation of the Melbourne-Sydney route continues to be considered by the community-minded companies in the very fast train consortium, presently looking for a couple of extra partners and quite prepared to take the risks and make a great community contribution provided federal taxpayers pick up the bill.
"Why not?", explained VFT spokesmoneygrubber Sir Castles-in-the-air. "Victorian taxpayers, for instance, wouldn't notice the difference anyway. When you're that far down the gurgler, what difference does a few trillion make?"
And as New Zealand workers celebrated May Day by rebelling against sensible government plans to slash wages, create unemployment in the interest of leaner, meaner companies, reduce rampant union power and create enterprise bargaining, the world's greatest treasurer Paul was thankful such irresponsible union action couldn't happen here. "We have a positive policy in these areas, unlike New Zealand", Paul explained. "We only want to slash wages, create unemployment in the interest of leaner, meaner companies, reduce rampant union power and create enterprise bargaining. Thank goodness for Little Billy Killthem."
Enterprise bargaining also received a fillip on the waterfront after our great and beloved prime minister, Nuclear Hawke himself, made a few minor concessions to the poor struggling employers by promising that any solution would not involve actual wage rises.
Finally, the government was very annoyed by a Telecom announcement that it could not develop new technology and provide overnment maintained so called restraints on the network. "Christ, how can a competitor be competitive and earn a good dividend for its private shareholders if we don't harness this monopoly and ensure it can't be competitive", said minister for competitive communications Kim Bees-knees. "For instance, in the interests of fair competition the new carrier should be allowed to buy into the Telecom network — the fairest solution would be if Telecom paid the competitor to use Telecom's network", Bees-knees thought of a brand new brilliant idea. "My god, I'll put that to cabinet!"