Stalag Kosova
Welcome to Puckapunyal — your gateway to Australia. It is our intention to make your stay here as happy and as fruitful as is possible given the unfortunate circumstances that have brought you to our shores.
"Puckapunyal" may be a word you find difficult to pronounce, as it may be as foreign to you as much as you are to us. There is no need to be concerned. Just call the place "Stalag Kosova" and you'll be feeling right at home in no time.
Indeed, all the ordnance and various other apparati of a military lifestyle you'll find here should suggest to you the land that you will one day be returning to — just as soon as our allies in NATO have finished with it. Please, do not let the children wonder. This is a military establishment, not a creche! We will endeavour to keep them (and you) amused while you are barracked here.
Each Thursday you can take it in turns to go into town. Seymour is a pleasant spot, but the crowds there may be overwhelming, especially for strangers such as yourselves. Always keep in your tour groups and remember: without money or the language, the Hume Highway is not for you. You've seen all you're going to see of Sydney or Melbourne. That's a condition of your stay. So enjoy what we have to offer.
And we offer a great deal! Three meals a day. A bed for all. Laundry facilities. Games room. Shower block. Organised activities for the kiddies. A kiosk. Here at Puckapunyal, it's all mod cons. Breakfast will be at 0800 hours and lights out 2200 hours — except on Fridays, when you can stay up late to watch Order in the House. That's democracy (perhaps you've heard of it?), Australian style.
While here, you will be exposed to our cultural awareness program. Local customs and standards may seem strange to you. Here in Australia, for instance, we do not tolerate the raping of women or the eating of babies. Here there are parameters of reasonable behaviour. What may be generally accepted social norms in the Balkans is simply not allowed here. We have social mores — and a Christian god.
I should also point out that the facilities we have lavished on you can be taken away if you stray from the conditions that govern your stay with us. Other refugees are not as fortunate as you. Any trouble, any acting up or uncalled for behaviour, any attempt to earn remuneration — then you'll be in the same boat as them: locked up in Port Hedland, away from everything that's Australian and decent, where the only pastimes are hunger strikes and roof sitting. (And they don't get SBS!)
So be warned. You're the lucky ones. For the moment, it may be "in" to be Kosovan, but don't push your luck too far. Come what may, you're going back where you came from.
So enjoy your stay at Puckapunyal while you can. It's your home away from home.
Dave Riley