Time and motion
By Dave Riley
I'll tell you what enterprise bargaining is about — consensus. It's as simple as give and take. After a time, you don't even notice the little sacrifices you are asked to make.
At one factory I was working in, the management banned us from going to the toilet. If one of us on the line felt the need — "Excuse me, may I?" — we had to wait until a set time such as 11.55 sharp. The bell rang and we'd go do wee. And if you didn't feel the need at that precise moment? Too bad. You had to wait until next time.
So instead — through our very own enterprise agreement — the bosses decided to cut down the time allowed to workers for going to the toilet. At great cost to production, some workers would stay in there four minutes; some for as long as seven minutes! Can you imagine what such indulgent behaviour was costing!
The employers had had enough and insisted that we go on our own time. But going before we came proved too difficult to arrange. So the union negotiated, and after a while it was decided that two minutes and 45 seconds were more than sufficient for a person to fulfil their bodily needs.
Put like that, it almost sounded reasonable. Maybe they've carried out studies, I thought. Maybe gastroenterologists, urologists and engineers had been consulted. Maybe the ACTU had a special department researching such matters. Perhaps someone with a stopwatch had averaged it out. Here indeed, I mused, time and motion were working together at last.
I don't know about you, but two minutes and 45 seconds would be a record for me. I simply would not be able to do it.
Even on a good day, I'd been hard pressed to beat three minutes 50. Even if I went into training at home first, I still could not be so punctual. And it particularly cannot be done with the clock in mind.
As soon as you go in, you're thinking: tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. It's horrible! "Dam that zipper!" The seconds tick over, and you wonder if you can get your business done before your time's up. Tick-tock, tick-tock ... Beeeep! That's it! No warning. You're caught with your pants down.
To make this schedule work, some form of device had to be used. A button on the seat would not do, because the boss, being a smart man, knows that the worker would simply avoid sitting on the seat. So the timing mechanism was triggered by the door handle. And after two minutes and 45 seconds, the toilet would be plunged into darkness.
You had the choice: either quickly finish up in the dark while you remembered where everything was, or waddle back to the door with your clothes at your ankles to turn the handle again.
So to do it right, you have to get into training. You have to arrive with your bowels well loosened and ready for action. It is best to arrive with your trousers off or your skirt tucked up. But don't suddenly stop and think: Oops! You need to put thoughts about embarrassing undress out of your mind. With an air of indifference and your clothes neatly folded over your arm, no-one will notice.
At most, they'll think that this is enterprise bargaining at work.
[The above is based on actual work experience and a routine by Dario Fo.]