By Craig Cormick
Based on highly reliable international contacts, leaked documents and horoscopes from several TV magazines, Nostradamus' Media Watch presents a highly accurate forecast of political events across the globe.
Rwandan refugee scandal
The Liberal Party's new policy think tank — the South Australian Backbenchers Society for the Sterilisation of Single Mothers — gains widespread media coverage for criticising government support for Rwandan refugees.
The story bumps several new employment initiatives and an attempted coup in North Korea out of the news.
According to a spokesperson for the Society — the soon to be elected South African emigre, Magnus Brandex — the UN members are being severely defrauded by African peasants.
Brandex appears on several TV current affairs programs and states that he has indisputable evidence that the current number of Rwandan refugees in camps exceeds the number of people who had lived in Rwanda.
Brandex says that not only are many of the refugees single mothers, but they are exploiting the UN's welfare system by exiting at one border and then recrossing the nation into another country in order to get twice their entitled ration of one plastic sheet and two packets of Sao biscuits.
He says it is one more example of the nations of Africa lining their pockets with gold at the expense of the gullible bleeding hearts of the industrial world.
Princess Di and Charles convert and convert
Princess Di and Prince Charles continue their legal and spiritual competition when he becomes a Muslim and she a Moonie.
Following Princess Di's conversion to Roman Catholicism, motivated, according to some of the more cruel celebrity magazines, by her desire to prevent Charles divorcing her or ascending to the Crown of England, Charles becomes a Muslim and declares he is willing to proclaim England an Islamic state.
Princess Di responds by converting, yet again, to the Unification Church cult of the Reverend Sun Myung Moon, and, without divorcing, is married to North Korean leader Kim Il Jong, in a mass ceremony in Pyongyang, along with 200 other retired US and Japanese soap opera stars. Again, the more vindictive US chat shows claim this was done in an effort to further diminish Charles' chances of ever reaching the throne.
Prince Charles, however, converts to Mormonism, stating that he is now able to have more than one wife; he marries a prominent judge's former wife, her daughter and their second cousin — all staunchly CofE and of acceptably good breeding stock.
USS Arkansas decommissioned
The nuclear-powered battleship, USS Arkansas is to be decommissioned from active service shortly after its visit to Australian ports.
The Arkansas, the subject of many anti-nuclear protests while in Melbourne, had been called a "floating Chernobyl".
In a statement about the decommissioning a spokesperson for the US Navy says it is still entirely safe — but has lost the ability to be an effective stealth ship as it now glows in the dark and leaves a trail of dead fish behind it.
However the USS Arkansas is not decommissioned. It is sold to the Marshall Islands for a night-time lighting source.