Short story by Craig Cormick
"Smell that fresh country air", says John Citizen, with the car window wound all the way down, and the wind blowing through the whole car.
"This is the best idea you've ever had", says his wife, Gail, from the front passenger seat.
"He's an ideas man", says their 14-year-old son, Kevin, in the back. It's his favourite quote, from the movie The Castle.
"This is going to be sooooo good", says John. And Gail smiles at the promise of it.
"If you look far enough down the road I think you can see the future there", says John. Then he frowns. Sees something up ahead on the road. Begins braking.
"What is it dad?", asks Kevin.
"Uh — it looks like a tick gate", John says.
"What's that?"
"Well — they used to set them up near state borders to search for ticks in people's fruit and things."
"Do ticks live in fruit?", asks Kevin.
"Uh — no, I don't think so."
Kevin shakes his head. One more thing in life he doesn't understand. The car rolls to a stop and a blue-uniformed man walks over to the open window. He holds up a small plastic identification card. "Federal agent", he says. "I'd like to ask you a few questions."
"Ah — sure", says John.
"What is it dad?", asks Kevin. "Are they looking for escaped convicts? Or drugs, or what?"
But his dad doesn't answer. He is looking at his own reflection in the mirrored sunglasses of the man at his door. He can see he looks a little nervous. "Yes. What is this about?", he asks.
"Budget initiative", says the agent.
"I'm sorry? What?"
"Federal budget initiative", says the agent. And he lifts up a clipboard. "First, are you travelling to a rural community, and do you intend staying there more than three months?"
"Well, yes, we're moving to a small rural town to live. You know, the big step. Escape the rat race."
"Like Sea Change without the sea", says Gail. The same way she's said it for the past few months, since they made the big decision.
"We'll need to check your car for contraband goods", says the agent.
"What types of goods?", asks John.
The agent looks at his list. "Do you own a mobile phone?"
"Sure", says John.
"May I see it?"
John reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out the phone. He gives it to the agent, who puts it in his own jacket pocket. "I'm afraid we'll have to confiscate this", he says.
"Why?"
"We have to sell it to raise money to pay for our rural initiatives."
John looks across at Gail, then back at the federal agent. "Do you have a computer with internet access?", the agent asks.
"Yes. It's in the back of the car."
"We'll need that too — unless you want to pay the STD rate surcharge on it."
"What surcharge?", asks John.
"Budget initiative", says the agent. Then he looks at his list again, "And do you have any credit cards?"
"Of course."
"May I see them please?" He holds out his hand while John and Gail search through their wallets and hand over their credit cards. The agent goes through them, hands back the department store cards, but keeps the bank cards. Puts them in his pocket. John makes to protest, but the agent is already reading the next item off his list.
"Do you have a television set with you?"
"It's behind me in the back", calls Kevin from the back seat.
The agent opens the rear door beside him, leans over the seat into the back of the station wagon. He turns the dial on the TV to the ABC and then snaps it off.
"What's he doing?", asks Kevin.
"Um — excuse me officer ...", says John, but the agent is already back at the driver's window reading off his clipboard. "Have you a post office account? Are you registered at a Centrelink agency?"
John and Gail look at each other. Unsure if they should answer. "What exactly are these budget initiatives?", asks John.
"Don't you watch TV?", asks the agent. "It's the rural equalisation scheme."
"We've been a bit busy packing over the past few weeks", says Gail.
"Hmmmm", says the agent, as if that is something else he has to mark on his list. Then he looks at Kevin. "Your son goes to school I presume?"
O
John and Gail look at each other.
"He'll need to have all his school marks down-graded, of course", says the agent.
"What?", asks Gail.
"And your assets too", the agent says. "I hope you already have substantial personal debt, because if not we'll have to increase that substantially. About $100,000 per head. Rounded out."
Now John is shaking his head. Trying to understand. "Um — I'm not sure I quite follow you", he says. "Do you mean we're expected to hand over all these things because we want to live in a rural area?"
"Yes sir", says the agent. "Federal budget initiative."
"But, but — I still don't understand ..."
"Next question", says the agent. "How much petrol do you currently have in your car. You'll need to pay a surcharge on it."
"Surcharge?", asks John.
"Yes. And on any appliances you're carrying. Clothes and food too."
John looks at Gail who is looking as distressed as him.
"It's okay", says the agent. "You won't need to pay now. We'll just deduct it all using your credit cards." And he pats his pocket.
"Look", says John, "I'm really feeling a little confused here. Are you telling me that you're going to take all this stuff from us because it's a part of some new government program?"
"That's right", says the agent. "The rural equalisation scheme. But don't worry sir, the government is ensuring that you won't go without compensation."
"What kind of compensation?", asks Gail.
"It's a multi-million dollar assistance program", says the agent. "It was all announced on the television."
Then he turns and indicates to two more men in blue uniforms, who walk over to the car, each carrying a large wooden barrel.
They open the back of the station wagon and start removing the bags and boxes there, replacing them with the barrels.
"Uh — what's that you're giving us?", ask John.
"Your compensation", says the agent.
"And what's in them?", asks Gail.
And for the first time the agent smiles. "Why they're pork barrels", he says.