The interviews between Bryan Dawe and the many roles of the late John Clarke had a simple premise. Instead of going through the formulaic ritual of allowing politicians to avoid answering the important question, Clarke had his characters tell another version of the truth.
In some cases, these alternative truths seemed a little bizarre, but there was always enough reality in the scenarios to make them plausible and amusing.
In this election season, politicians will try to set the rules by which we must play so that they be taken seriously. Thus, they avoid being genuinely answerable to the voters.
We will miss Clarke and Dawe, largely because no journalist will extract the truth from candidates, especially those from the major parties who prioritise their ambition to form government above ethics.
How refreshing it would be to hear candidates make promises they will keep. If they did so, then based on how we know they will perform, the following bi-partisan pledges would be made.
“If elected, I will avoid being held accountable in question time. I promise to never give any credit to crossbenchers who are not committed to the pursuit of power for its own sake. I will always reject logic and scientific research. I will never question the policies of my party. This is our general, shared philosophy.
“I will never doubt anything the United States does. So, I must ignore multilateral agencies when they call for condemnation of Israel’s genocide in Gaza, the arrest of alleged war criminals or any ceasefire. I will reject demonstrations calling for justice in Palestine and I will associate any criticism of Israel’s actions with antisemitism and Holocaust denial.
“Nor will I question the need for Australia to spend vast amounts on weapons so that we can march in lockstep with the US. I would much rather we had nuclear submarines than a serviceable health system.
“I will always fawn over royalty and never suggest Australia should become a republic. We need the inequality that goes with the class system. I promise to support the current trickle-up economy in which the rich continue to accumulate an ever-higher percentage of national wealth.
“Never will I expect an environment minister to give preference to forests and oceans over internationally owned resources giants. Nor will I ever support moves to protect the sacred sites of Indigenous peoples. As for closing the gap programs, I wish them luck.
“While I promise to express concern about climate change, I will never do anything to threaten our fossil fuel industries. Some of my best friends are miners.
“I support the current system of housing. It is important to maintain the value of properties that people already own. Radical solutions to homelessness, such as providing free emergency accommodation, would undermine those values.
“I will support crumbs being thrown to the disabled. I will wear a ribbon to show my opposition to domestic violence. I will not threaten the violence in sport or the media. I will not speak against grog culture or gambling.
“I will continue to support the offshore detention of asylum seekers. I will try to ensure that English is always Australia’s official language, that the Union Jack remains on our flag and that Christianity is given precedence over other religions or over non-belief.”
This realistic manifesto would ensure that politicians need never again break their promises.
They should after all, make only promises they intend to keep. A former prime minister, who was sometimes derided as “Phony Tony”, admitted that he was occasionally less than truthful. He reckoned that you could trust him when he was speaking from written notes. Unfortunately, these confessions are caught in the liar’s paradox: why should we believe politicians when they claim to be telling the truth only when it suits them?
One of our splendid cartoonists some years ago had a couple walking past a grave on which was written “A politician and an honest man”. One of the couple looked at the other and said: “Pity they had to bury them both in the same grave.”
Would it not be better to let politicians be themselves than to extract pious promises from them but then watch as they disappoint?