By Kevin Healy
Well, a tragic personal week with some devastating news from the tax department. Yep, the tax department decided it wouldn't tax race course winnings.
Now why should this upset Lucky Kev, I hear you asking. It's obvious, isn't it? If they can tax my winnings, then I can claim my losses as a tax deduction. And that might be a big way to make a living from the horses.
Speaking of horses — no, I may have misread that — it's Hoxha. Poor old Enver. After a lifetime devoted to keeping his beloved Albanian people straddled somewhere between the 18th and 19th centuries — those who survived his necessary purges to keep the socialist flame alight — the ingrate iconoclasts tore down his statue this week and suggested poor old Enver was something less than a god.
Also coming down this week was Neil Brownie, the kid from Moonee Ponds with the great big plum in his mouth, who stepped down from parliament, where he'll be sadly missed from the democratic process, with this solemn warning that parliamentary salaries need to be increased sharply.
"Top people will not be attracted if the salary isn't increased", Neil explained in his beautifully rounded man-of-the-people voice. "I am a perfect example of that problem."
But we must break here. I can hear Hank Buchovsky on the line, from our exclusive CIA-ASIO news service, "Gulf Truth". Hank, how's the famous victory going?
"Very well, Kevin, and hello Austria-lia. But we have some bad news. The terrorist Insane-is-Hitler-raq forces have launched a murderous attack on a peaceful US army barracks in Saudi, using the cover of a dark night. Talk about cheating.
"On the other hand, our valiant forces have swept though the desert having a wonderful time, making sure we don't spill any blood.
"Now let's check world reaction to the Insane-is-Hitler-raq offer to withdraw from Killwait. President Georgie Bashed, you said the Insane-is-Hitler-raq invasion was an outrage. What about their offer to withdraw?"
"It's an outrage. How dare they attempt to spoil the fun for our brave boys who are having such a wonderful time."
"And your own great and beloved prime minister, Nuclear Hawke. Mr Nuke, what is your independent view?"
"Let me say that as a revered and ... uh ... serious and ... uh ... respected statesman, I believe the threat to withdraw is ... uh ... clearly an ... uh ... outrage. That is the ... uh ... independent true blue Aussie with the big red heart position." "Thank you, Mr Prime Minister. Meanwhile, Zion has said that all Arab leaders, and most probably all of their people, must be exterminated for true peace in the Middle East. 'If the Arabs are wiped out, we will negotiate with them', minister Ariel Charge-on promised.
"On that happy note from the famous bloodless victory, this is Hank Buchovsky with our brave victorious troops signing off from your CIA-ASIO 'Gulf Truth'."
Thank you, Hank, for that objective report. Back home, the true blue Aussie government is distraught that Portugal is taking it to the international court over the true blue Aussie/Indoneeds-you-all deal on East Timor oil.
"How can they complain!", the minister for tearing up the environment, Alan Giveth-to-the-mining-companies, complained. "This is the best unilateral deal ever designed for splitting up someone else's resources."
And while the Heinous food workers were thinking up 47 ways to destroy the economy, their great peak leader Billy Killthem was developing a plan to preserve workers' health following a report that showed many health problems are due to bad diet, often caused by families and individuals only being able to afford junk food.
"Under my new low-wage health plan, they won't be able to afford even junk food", Billy explained.
Like me after the races — and you can blame that selfish tax commissioner. You've got to work at poverty!