By Kevin Healy
It was a week in which the world's greatest worst ex-treasurer Paul, with a simple hypnotic gesture of his statistical grab bag, totally erased youth unemployment.
"It is ludicrous", Paul said, "to suggest 46% of Aussie youth are unemployed just because 46% of Aussie youth are unemployed. For a start, it's only 46% of those looking for work. And most of them are also studying, and most of them don't want work anyway, and of the others they're bludging on their parents and don't want work anyway, and of the others many are homeless and on the streets, so they don't have to worry about expenses like rent so they don't need work, and of the others they'd rather shoot up and screw around and bludge on society, so they don't count.
"The end result is that youth unemployment in real terms seasonally adjusted is minus 23 — that is, there is a 23 percentage points in real terms shortage of youth to fill vacancies, and this converted to real statistical figures reflects that there are no unemployed youth in Australia, and indeed employers can't get enough of them — and certainly won't be able to after we bring in this beaut new system where youth rates will be lowered to something just marginally below zero, and the government will pay their actual wages. This is the sort of key role the public sector can do so well, and which the much more efficient private sector just cannot perform."
And the much more efficient private sector battled on despite a couple of major setbacks, such as that perspicacious Industrial Con-mission decision to knock out penalty rates for Saturdays. Some silly reporter said to this employer person, "You argued that unless penalty rates were cut, you'd have to sack staff. Now that this has happened, how many jobs will be created?" The answer, of course, was "None".
The interview was interrupted by all these employers dashing into the Con-mission to explain how the public now wanted workers to be available seven days a week, 24 hours a day, and that was clearly the social norm. "Unless all penalty rates and holiday pay and lunch breaks and nights off and weekends off and wages are slashed, we simply won't be able to employ our beloved workers, which is our only concern in life."
And the "Thanks for Nothing" award of the week to Aussie workers, or those of them who still have a job. Employer spokesperson Ian Spiked-them said any productivity increases in recent years had been caused solely by the employers making sacrifices and investing in greater technology. "The workers have made no sacrifices", he said.