By Kevin Healy
A week when, out in the free world — the free market, in fact — new treasurer John Carin-for-them bolstered our faith in the government's ability to steer the economy in the right — very right, I suggest — direction, by telling us our guess was as good as his as far as that direction was concerned. "I've got no idea", he said. "I mean, isn't that obvious?"
The former world's greatest worst treasurer Paul said he was proud of the fact that when he was the world's greatest worst treasurer he always knew what direction it was all going in. "Never once did it deviate", he said. "It was always going down."
What the economists found it impossible to understand was that while household incomes in True Blue Aussie With the Big Red Heart had fallen dramatically — which show the leaner, meaner company policy is working so well — household savings had also fallen. Somehow the economists found it difficult to work out that if your income falls dramatically, there's a bit of a chance you're likely to spend it all just trying to survive. What I find stunning is how economists manage to survive at all, as respected commentators.
On the downside, it seems those people who devote their lives to us — the parliamentarians up there at the top of Bourke Street — are going to have the subsidisation of their meals stopped. They may have to pay for what they eat and drink, as if they were ordinary working people. Fortunately there's an upside to this, to show I know the current economic jargon. It seems the charging of real costs, plus a bit for profit, will be introduced before the dining room is privatised. Then the private owner will make lots of profit and prove that market forces are more efficient than the heavily subsidised public sector.
Meanwhile, out in the big, big world beyond True Blue Aussie With the Big Red Heart, our great friend and ally the United States of the World vehemently denied allegations that it was the biggest selling arms supplier to the rest of the world. A State Department press officer explained that the report was misleading. "The report was founded on dollar value comparisons", she said. How ludicrous to suggest that just because the biggest dollar value sales are from the United States of the World, it means the United States of the World is the biggest seller.
"You have to consider", she said, "that we have a reputation to uphold as the world bastion of capitalism, of freedom and decency and democracy and apple pie and pie in the sky. So our manufacturers of death are forced to charge the very highest
prices and maintain the very highest and most outrageous profit margins. People tend to ignore these important considerations when they look at silly misleading things like dollar figures."
And while Poland suffered a bank scandal — a wonderful breakthrough, showing that already they're enjoying the wonderful benefits of the market forces economy — that fine free market democrat Boris Letsin let himself in by declaring he would now rule Russia by decree, describing himself as "the emperor". But Boris explained it was all in the interest of democracy, humility and of course the people. "I am very likely to be accused of dictatorial inclinations", he said, and we'd have to agree, "but", said Boris, "I hope I'll be strong enough not to bend". What a convincing explanation. If anyone can understand it, do let us know.