Let's blockade Tassie!
Tasmania lies due south of the continent of Australia, 240 kilometres from the mainland. The island of Cuba is a little closer to its northern neighbour, being 217 kilometres from the tip of Florida. While Cuba is 35% larger than Tassie there are approximately 9,996,461 more Cubans than there are residents of Tasmania.
How do you like them apples? I have done my homework. Ask me anything you like about either of these islands: the capital of Cuba is Havana, the capital of Tasmania is Hobart. I could go on and on about apples and zinc, scallops and electricity, rum and sugar cane, cigars and communism. If we compare data on Tasmania with Cuba and then relate both places to Madagascar or Java or Sri Lanka an interesting pattern will emerge: compared to other places on the globe, with its free health care and sundries Cuba is doing all right by its citizens. In this world, that's a crime.
I assume that we would have nothing against Madagascar at the moment or that we don't resent Java unduly for going about its business in its own Javanese way; or that Sri Lanka is this week in our bad books (remember they do play cricket after all). But we do hold a grudge against Tasmania — no-one is going there. Tasmania and the sights of Port Arthur have suddenly dropped from many a tourist's must-see list. Tassie has become an embarrassment to us all.
What should we do? Maybe we should start treating Tasmania the same way the US deals with its Cuba problem. Let's ban anything made, grown or dug up in Tassie from the rest of Australia. Let's close down all those Tasmanian Tourist Bureaus and fine any company that trades with the island. Any foreigner dealing with Tasmanian enterprises should be denied visas to enter Australia. A line should be drawn through Bass Strait and Tasmania isolated from the rest of the world.
And when we get around to seizing all those automatic weapons we hear so much about, let's put them to good use by raising an army of freedom-loving types who can conquer Tassie one day. Sign on today for the weekend training camps along the beach at Portsea.
Now we're talking.
No longer should we be haunted by the spectre nestled below our underbelly in the southern seas. Tasmania is an affront to all god-fearing Australians.
The inhabitants of that isle are bound to squeal and complain. Much hardship is sure to follow. That can't be helped. The Cuba solution when applied to Tasmania abhors such moralism. In the long run sometimes you must be cruel to be kind. And while the Tasmanian people may not now realise it, by adopting such extreme measures now we have their best interest at heart.
When you are offshore and so close we can afford to be so heavy handed because, to tell you the truth: Tasmania we don't like what you stand for. So if it's kosher for the US to put the squeeze on Cuba why shouldn't we deal with our island problem the same way? I'm for grasping the nettle and blockading Tasmania! Who's with me?
Dave Riley