Bills gets his 15 minutes
Isn't that ... ? You know. The one who was governor general. Bill Hayden. Oh, you know him. The one who made all the fuss. I saw him on telly with whatisname. It is. It's Bill Hayden, I tell you. I'm sure of it. He wrote a book about himself and got all that publicity.
Watch it — he's looking our way. Good evening. Just nod. See. I'm telling you it's Hayden. And that woman with him is his wife. Ummm. Dallas, that's it. Just like the TV series. There they are, eh? We're having tea with the Haydens. I can't believe it. Wait till I tell the rest of the office on Monday.
He's looking up again — Excuse me, but aren't you Bill Hayden? I thought you were.
How's the meal? A bit different from what you're used to, I bet. We like coming here because you know what you're getting. A burger and french fries suits us every time.
I haven't read your book but I've heard a lot about it. Who hasn't? Did it take you long to write? I bet you could tell a few stories ...
I'd be interested to know — who wouldn't — about Bob Hawke's, um, "apparatus". What's that? Like a what? A chipolata? Who would have guessed, eh? You're right — there are no secrets in politics.
Tell me, Valda, what's a chipolata?
I'm sorry to bother you like this, but we seldom get royalty around here. Well, you are to us. You're the next best thing to Liz and her brood. When you open your mouth they listen. That's royal treatment in my book. I can't say the rest of us are so lucky. Why, only last year I had cause to write a letter to the papers. But do you think they'd print it? Not on your nally. I'm not listened to like you. But then, I'm not you am I? You're famous and I'm not. If I said: let's blow up Indonesia, no one would listen. That's the difference isn't it.
Mind you I've never been a joiner like yourself. I could never bring myself to sign up with any political party. Politicians, if you ask me, are only interested in feathering their own nest. Take yourself: you've done all right out of it. Oh, you have Mr. Hayden, you have — you've done very nicely indeed. But good on you, I say. That's what life's all about, and, unlike the rest of us, you've got ahead.
If I thought my kids could grow up to be a tall poppy like yourself I wouldn't worry so much about them. Still. You can only do your best, can't you? If they could get a regular job I'd be happy enough.
I suppose that's it for you. You've had your 15 minutes of fame and are now heading for a well earned rest. But before you go, could I get your autograph? This serviette will do. Just say: To Tom and Valda Clissold. Great. Thankyou very much.
I think I'll take this serviette in with me on Monday. Just think: I'll be able to tell them that I met the famous Bill Hayden — the man who saw Bob Hawke in the nude!
Dave Riley