By Kevin Healy
A week when Victorian minister for private transport Alan Brownie cleared up a small confusion. "The summer timetable ceased running some time ago", Brownie explained. "We changed the name."
Alan's friend, Lou De Gregarious, meanwhile took the firmness of his union's depot stop-work meetings to the secret talks he was having with Brownie. Lou interrupted preaching fire and brimstone to the workers long enough to announce he had reached a beaut agreement.
"We've agreed not to rock the boat for the federal socialist government", said Lou. "And we didn't budge from our firm stand. For the time being, trams will run a bit at night — and we've only conceded that we'll give up the entire staff just to make trams really secure and ensure that people use them at night.
"Well, if they don't use them, I suppose we'll just have to agree to further cutbacks — but we won't cop further cutbacks before I make a really radical public statement saying we won't cop further cutbacks."
Lou said that any agreement to get rid of all the workers would obviously not be taken to the membership for ratification. "It's silly to consult people who are going to be out of work next week", he explained.
The shadow minister for public transport, Nunawading Pete, said he supported an agreement that didn't rock the boat. "I guess I'd have to say I'm a bit jealous that this government can get away with it and we couldn't", Nunna said.
Cuts to all community services have been necessary so that the government can find the cash for some absolute necessities, like the $40 million they announced this week to build a fabulous new magistrates court and city watch-house. "That complex is absolutely essential", Premier Jeff Footinmouth announced, "to cater for the crime we expect all these unemployed we're generating to generate".
In federal politics, Johnny Hew-them and the world's greatest worst ex-treasurer Paul had a go over their respective tax practices. As a result, Johnny received several calls from such luminaries and great true blue Aussies as Lord Kerry of Waterhouse, Alan Stocks and Bonds, and Christopher Skatsing-on-thin-ice, all of whom were very upset. "Fifteen per cent", they said, "15%! That means you — we can't believe it — you actually paid some tax!"
Meanwhile, Johnny and Paul both dismissed polls which showed that the nation hated them both. "I will abide by the poll that counts", Paul said. "I will abide by the poll that counts", Johnny said. "What's the third choice?" those who vote in the poll that count asked.